I am an ugly abomination. I am disgust. I am greed. I am gluttony. I hate myself and I am hate. The world must never know of my existence. When will it be over for me? Will my time be up soon? Only I am the one to decide when I get laid to rest, but even when that time comes I will still live on. I want to erase my entire existence off the face of the Earth. God, what God? God, lay me to rest. Ugly, ugly, ugly, greed, greedy, greed. I hate myself. Death knocks at my door nightly, but I still have yet to answer. I pray and I plead to die, but when the time comes I am afraid to end. Why? Why am I afraid of something that I want so much? Perhaps I just enjoy the feeling of tasting death but not finishing the plate. When my owner finally calls, only then will I eat all my food like a good boy.
Recently its gotten bad again. I just want to die so so badly. I have plans to die when im around 18 or 19. Maybe then ill finally be with my boyfriend and content enough and have the right means to do it and make sure it works. I was thinking about doing it in 3 months from now, but my boyfriend told me that he doesnt want to die alone although he acknowledges that living is suffering. I so badly wish that i could live to an older age and have a nice life with him, but i think dying together is the only means to gain true happiness. Do i think life has no meaning? No, i think it has tons of meaning. Im not some nihilist. I think certain people are here for a reason and i think certain people die for a reason. I like the idea of overdosing. My dad died from that. Ever since i was a young child my mother would always compare me to my dad, and as i get older i start to see more and more comparisons between him and i. Is it a good thing? No. god no. When i think about how my life will be in the future, i like the idea of running away to some remote place with my boyfriend. Perhaps a countryside? We can own a farm there, live off the land. I think we’d have chickens and cows and pigs. We’d grow crops like carrots and potatoes. We would eventually die together after reaching a certain age. No one wants to die of old age. I hate the idea of being so old that i cannot function anymore. Maybe we’d commit suicide in our mid 40’s? 50 just seems a bit too old, im unsure why. My moms in her mid 40s, but i dont consider her old, even when shes 50 i dont think id consider her that old. But mid 40’s just seems like the perfect age to die in my eyes. I love my boyfriend a lot. I cant wait to die with him. Ive been consistently sad lately, but when i think about killing ourselves together in the future, i get a feeling of giddiness. I know youll never read or find these, but i love you dylan.